Who I Am

There was one point in my life where I was very depressed and scared. I felt like I was a monster. I became this monster when I would think about how I truly felt about myself and how I thought people saw me. The only way I felt like I could escape this monster that had been growing inside of me was to cut myself. I would cut myself with anything whether it be a razor blade, glass, scissors, or a utility knife. With every cut I put on my body, the more “human” I felt. I could release my pain by dragging a piece of metal a cross my once untouched skin. The thing was I only did this in areas I though no one would be able to see. Soon my legs started to look like a battle ground. I slowly started to use this as a way to feel normal. By cutting I had control over something, but I started to realise that my mind had control over me in a way no one could ever truly understand.

Every day I would put on a smile as if it were a piece of clothing. Soon my thoughts became more negative; I started to think that I wanted to kill myself. Cutting no longer had that satisfying release it had on me anymore. So, one day in the summer of 2014 I took a bottle of T3’s into my bathroom. I was ready to end it all, to take myself from this earth I called hell. Sitting on the side of my bath tub I was ready to say goodbye to my family and end my life, but then all of a sudden I started to breakdown in tears, I had heard a little voice in my head that said “hold on I have a plan for you, it not over yet”. I knew that it was God’s voice speaking to me. I knelt down on my knees and I started to pray to God to change my life. I had always believed in God, but I had never truly felt him. I believe I was given a second chance, to have a new life on this earth.

Now I am 10 months clean from cutting.  I have changed my life. Yes, I still get thoughts in my head but I know I can’t let them control me. I want to use my life as a way to help people who might be struggling in their own lives. When I’m done high school I want to go to college to be a psychologist. I plan to help people who don’t have a voice of their own. By sharing my stories I can inspire other people to change their lives and find new way to deal with their pain and suffering.

-Alyssa Guiccone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kbwrXZ5S5s