Numb

I’m not going to start this off with "courage and hope this" and "courage and hope that". I’m going to start by saying… Hi. I’m not a very open person naturally and I think it is because all my life I’ve learned that if guys show their emotions or their soft side then they’re automatically less “manly”. Everyone has a soft side whether it’s for the people they love, the things they like to do, or for food or whatever it is; everyone has a soft side. I like to tell myself that I really don’t care what people think of me, but in all honesty, I do. I take a lot of things personally and it’s a bad trait to have especially when it just brings you down all the time. Elementary school and junior high were the darkest days for me.

In elementary school, I spent 6 years in an anger management program. I hated my parents and teachers for putting me in it. I can’t actually remember why I was put in there in the first place, but I was six years old and let’s just say I disagreed with a lot of other kids and I liked to express my opinion in harsher ways than most would. Anyway, after that whole little scene my parents went through a divorce and that’s when my life became grey. I didn’t understand why my dad never came home after work anymore and it was upsetting. After I realized what had happened, I got over it faster than I would have thought. I just learned to accept it as my life kept getting darker and darker and eventually I became numb to the pain.

In junior high, I tried really hard to fit in and to be popular, but that was quickly extinguished by people who thought they were too good for me. Eventually I just accepted being alone and that’s how I spent a lot of my days. I remember going outside one day and it was bright and sunny; it was probably 30 degrees but I didn’t see it like that. For me, it was actually dark. It was daunting. I started to ignore my parents and the few friends that I had and they would get mad at me, but I just didn’t care. I didn’t eat, sleep, talk, or even make eye contact with anyone else who tried to talk to me. I faked sick so that I wouldn’t have to go to school. I lied to my parents, friends, family, and everyone who might have cared about me just so I could be alone. I did things to myself and other people that were so wrong and I regret it every single day of my life.

The courage and hope in this could be the fact that I’m revealing a soft side about myself which if you haven’t caught on by now, is my past. I don’t remember the feelings as much as the actions only because of how numb I became to everything.

After high school started, I became more focused on myself and what I wanted to do after school and I signed up for the RAP program. As I trudged through my freshman year, I met a girl. This girl, like no other, caught my eye quicker than anything else in the world. She’s the one thing that could actually get through to me. I fell in love and ‘til this day, she is still the only thing that can get me through the day and she is truly my savior.

-Justin Tweter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU