Do you ever wonder if anyone actually understands what you’re going through? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if everyone actually thought about what they’re going to say or going to tell you before they do it? Don’t you find it really annoying how everyone tells you something really nice and heartwarming, but you know that they don’t mean it?

Hi, my name is Guillian Rivera. When you first me, you would probably say I’m one of those people who would laugh so hard that everything in life is probably easy. You know, one of those happy-go-lucky people, or let’s say one of those people who's always happy even when facing so many struggles. Well, you’re wrong. I was that kid, that kid that was taught to be strong, happy, kind and full of faith and hope. I was that kid who was told to be properly be dressed so that people would respect me and that I was supposed to say nice things to people even though they weren't true. I was that kid who was taught to do things that wouldn't hurt or disappoint other people. I was that kid. It’s quite funny because I look back and think to myself, “wow, I was so gullible.”

People tell me that they wish they were me because I have so much confidence, that I can talk to my parents about anything, and  I can do anything and not fail. Every time they tell me that, I think to myself “are they serious?” because if you ask me, I don’t even want to be myself. I mean come on, I’m only seventeen and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you that I’ve been through a lot. I know might seem unbelievable, like what I’m talking about doesn’t really make sense, it doesn’t really add up. But, to be honest I don’t even know my purpose in life. Other people at my age they all have their lives planned out, then there’s me.

Through child hood I was so careless then when I hit age thirteen everything basically changed. I would put other people's happiness before mine, I would do things that I didn't like just to make other people happy. Basically I never really lived my life the way I wanted it to be.  I was always scared; what if one day I started being selfish and didn’t think about others?  What if I was actually myself? Who am I kidding, I don’t even know myself. I don’t even know who Guillian is, all I know is that my life is a mix of misery and sadness.

One of my best pals asked me “Guillian, are you even happy? I mean I know you laugh a lot, but are you actually happy?”  That sentence got me thinking - what is happiness? Is my life that sad, or did this monster that’s inside me eat everything and basically just leave this shell that you see. People say that I’m depressed, that I need attention, or that I need inspiration in life. Do you want to know what I need? I need to be alone, so that I can actually know myself.  I want people surrounding me, but if the people that surround me makes me feel more lonely than I am, then I would just rather run away and never come back.

Everyone tells me, “oh yeah, I totally understand you” but they actually don’t.  They actually think I’m talking nonsense, or that I need to grow up. I just want everyone to listen, but I never had the courage to stand up for myself, or tell somebody to go away because I don’t like their presence, or let’s say I never had the courage to tell someone that I want to do something because it makes me happy and I don’t care if they don’t like it.

Do you even know the struggle of being told what to do? And what I meant by that is you’re telling yourself to do something that wouldn’t make you happy, but would make other people happy. Do you even know the struggle of not having any sleep because you keep over thinking things or you just couldn’t sleep because you know that you’re too sad to sleep because of who you are and what makes you, yourself?  Do you even know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night and not know the reason why?  I hate myself and I have no idea why.  Maybe because I never really had the courage and hope to do something great with my life because I know somebody’s always going to say something.

Do I have courage? Nope. Do I have hope? Yes. I hope that God actually has plans for me and I hope that one day I will find what happiness and what it’s like to live my life without fear.  All I can say is, take a risk and do it because sometimes putting yourself first isn’t really that bad. Sometimes you need to have courage and you need to have hope to have true happiness and to actually find and be yourself.  Courage and hope, sure it doesn’t really sound that important, but soon you’ll realize, just like I did.