Have you ever pretended to be something that you’re not?  Have you ever pretend to be happy even though you were struggling on the inside?  I’ve been there.

My name is Andrea Cardona and this is blog about me.  Growing up I was an extraordinary overly energetic, insane child.  My childhood was filled with Barbie dolls, sailor moon and Pokémon.  I didn’t have any worries; I was happy all of the time and that was my childhood. As I started to grow up I started to learn new things and I discovered a lot of new things that fascinated me, but I was still a kid with no worries, Was I got to my junior high years everything changed for me. During my junior years I was never the popular kid in the class, I was never the most hated, but I still got bullied.  I only had one friend, but she was hardly at school, so I was alone most of the time. There were a group of kids, about 8 of them, who bullied for no reason.  I was mostly cyber bullied and rumors about me were spread throughout the school. I had a lot of insecurities and I started to lose a lot of hope and courage.  Now that I’m older I wish that I could’ve stood up for myself and I wish I had more courage.

There is a book called Girl Online by Zoella Zugg, it’s about a girl who struggles with panic attacks where she gets embarrassed of herself so badly that she wants to die, but at the end she embraces herself and she learns how to deal with panic attacks.  I like this book because I myself suffer from panic attacks and I get anxiety attacks very easily and this book is not only a story, but it has taught me to become more confident.  I don’t get along with many people because they always think they know me and they always think they understand, but they don’t.  No one really knows me and the author Zoella is actually a youtuber and I feel like she is the only one who understands me and knows what it’s like to deal with these issues.  I feel like now I’m still finding myself and I challenge myself to learn new things and become confident in most of the things I do. I came from a very Catholic Spanish family, so I was restricted from doing things I liked to do, but I feel like not even that can stop me.
 

-Andrea Cardona

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-iNOFD27G4

In dealing with panic attacks this cite has helped me.

People become vulnerable because they feel that they aren’t worthy of connection. To me vulnerability means you’re in a state of being open to injury or being emotionally injured.  You can’t tell when someone is vulnerable.  Take me for example, I’m very vulnerable when it comes to my past and the things that have happened in my past. I feel like if someone found out about some of the things that have happened to me and some of the things I have done, they would judge and wouldn’t see me for who I am today. I feel like they would tell other people and that I would feel like I’m not good enough. Having short hair also makes me very vulnerable.  Some people think I look like a guy and I think that’s the hardest part because I don’t feel good enough. I just want to feel pretty even with having short hair. It’s the same with the way that I dress; I prefer to wear guy shirts and sweat pants . I don’t like dressing fancy because I don’t feel comfortable.  I feel like people don't understand why I dress the way I do, and I feel like they judge because of it. It seems like people tend to only think the worst about things.

In the TED talk, The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown, she says “if you ask someone about love they will tell you about heartbreak”. She’s explaining how people think only of the negative when they are vulnerable to that subject. You can’t get courage without walking through vulnerability, meaning that without knowing what your vulnerabilities are you won’t ever find a way to get the courage you want. Once you stop worrying about your vulnerabilities you will have courage, we just have to let ourselves be seen for who we really are.      

-Kayla Dyck

My father was forced into St .Paul’s Residential School when he was 4 years old. In that school he was bullied tremendously for his weight. He was a little bigger than most kids his age. They would call him names such as “fat so”, or “chunky”. What they didn’t know was that he would grow up to stand his ground. He joined a boxing club at the age of 17 years old. He trained day in and day out. There was never a day that he would miss, even if that meant running with blood, sweat, and tears approximately 30 km outside of Standoff, Alberta, in any weather condition. My father was the 7^th child out of 12.  Living on a reserve made things very difficult.  He didn’t have the money to pay for his fees, so he would work for it with his coach. His goal was to follow after one of Rocky Balboa quotes, “Every champion was a contender who refused to give up”.  

After training for two years he began competing all across Alberta as well as Gonzaga in the States. He fought very hard until he was given the belt for a Champion Golden Glove Boxer. Of course there was some wins and there was losses, but the most important thing that he loved about boxing was that the people who bullied him in Residential Schools were now most likely watching him on T.V.  He became a lot more confident.  He was always focused on himself and the gym, that was until my mother came along. They were together for a year before she got pregnant with my brother Jonny. He gave up the love of his career for the love of his children. That was when he decided he wanted one of his children to follow down the path that he couldn’t. My brother was more of a die-hard basketball player who didn’t enjoy boxing, so once I was born my father started sparing with me.  He taught me different techniques for self-defence. I knew how to tie wraps at the age of 5 and I knew all my stances. 

It was in middle school that I decided to get into the Lethbridge Boxing Club.  I didn’t join because that’s what my father wanted; I joined because he became extremely ill.  It has been two years since they told him that he had cancer in his throat. I knew that if I no longer had my father than I would need to learn how to stand my ground for myself. I was the only girl out of all 5 of my brothers, so that meant I got picked on the most. They made fun of my weight, but most importantly they made fun of my height. I am 5’2. Most people would find that intimidating.  Well, I do. I was not as weak as they thought though. As I started training my coach thought I was in a boxing club prior to this. He said I had the ability to be put in the ring in two months. That made me nervous because we had to find someone in my weight and height division, but I made my father proud.  All this time he had hoped that his sons would follow down his path. I had the courage to show him that if they don’t I will no matter how much I am insecure of my weight and height.

-Alexis Marshalsay

Skate Life

Courage and hope are key aspects in anybody’s life. Every day someone is using courage just to get up and go to school, leaving their house. Everybody is utilizing courage in some way to do something meaningful to them. Hope is something that people need to keep with them at all times. When people are going through hard times they need hope to get through it. For me as a skateboarder, courage and hope are things that I need constantly. Every single time I skateboard I’m using courage to try the tricks that I do and commit to them. I hope that every time I try something I’m going to land it and not fall on my ass. All the injuries that I’ve endured throughout my skating lifestyle would be enough to make any sane person quit, but skateboarding is something that has been in my life since I was a young child and it will stay in my life till I am physically incapable.

Being a skateboarder is not the easiest thing in the world. You get labelled as a lot of things and there aren’t a lot of role models in the skateboarding community. Skateboarders are known as drug addicts, alcoholics and rude people, but the label I’ve been going by for the past couple years has been “skid”.  I look at where all my junior high friends have gotten in life and it worries me a little. I’ll be eighteen in less than six months and I don’t have a job, any money saved up or my own vehicle. There are kids in my grade, even some younger than me with all of those things. While these people were out working for the things they wanted I’ve been bumming money off my parents and spending all my time skateboarding, and having good times with my friends. I want an education now and I want to do something with my life. If in the end I still don’t have a good paying job even with my education I will devote my life to skateboarding. Skate or die baby!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uE8vAS2qOhw

-Rory Anderson

Close Encounters

Courage and hope are a very big part of life; if you do not have hope you will have nothing to get you through during rough times. If you don’t have courage you will not be able to put yourself out there and show your true colours. In my life there was one instance that stands out where I had both hope and courage...

I was bow hunting in West Castle early in September. It was a beautiful day and the sun was starting to rise over the mountain tops warming the air almost instantly. The shadows disappeared and it was time for everything to come to life. I was sitting in a tree stand hunting white tail by a swamp. The musky water smelt like sulphur mixed with mud. I happened to look down and see a big shadow right under my tree stand. At first I thought it was a moose and I was very excited. I thought to myself, it’s not every day that I get to see a moose so close. The animal stepped out and it wasn’t a moose, but a giant black bear! Instantly my heart sank to the bottom of my stomach. My heart started to race like an old truck kicking in the four barrels. My breathing was out of control like a speeding car on shear ice. The bear came closer to my tree and was sniffing around trying to find me. That’s when I realized that he knew I was there, but the question was, was he going to find me? He started to scratch his claws on the tree like a chef sharpening his knife. That’s when I reached for my bag to find my bear spray. When I opened it, to my surprise, there was nothing in there, but my knife and my hunting tags. I started to shake. I had nothing but my bow and my knife. If he decided to come up the tree and pay me a little visit I would not be able to shoot my bow from that angle.

As luck would have it, the bear decided that he was wasting his time and boogied down the trail to my right. I sat there in absolute shock for over an hour. I just kept thinking about how big he was. He could have fit my whole head in his mouth.  I would have been no match for a bear of that size. After about two hours I decided that it was time for me to come out of the tree. I didn’t want to get out of the tree, but I knew that it was my smartest plan, so I had to "man-up" and just do it.

After I got to the ground I was so scared. I loaded an arrow into my bow and slowly headed towards the river where I had parked the truck. The bear appeared to be long gone. It felt like one thousand pound was lifted off my shoulders. This moment has changed me forever. It showed me that you need hope to get through the tough situations and you also need the courage not freak out and do something stupid.

-Levi Cale

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dhccgc7VYvw

My Passion for Cooking

Passion is a strong and uncontrollable emotion. I love to cook and I’m very passionate about cooking. Cooking is what I call my passion because I love food.   I love making food and eating food, and I always admire what I’ve created, like some sort of art and it makes me feel happy.  I’m trying to become a chef one day. When I was younger I thought I was going to work for my dad and follow in his footstep, but at the beginning of grade ten something in my mind clicked and I decided to try and take on a career that I never thought I would have taken.  The only thing that makes me sceptical is that if I don’t make it in the cooking world I don’t necessarily have anything to fall back on, it’s pretty hard to come up with creative ideas. There are some difficulties on the path to becoming a cook. One of the hardest things is to find something to motivate me into creating and trying to put my own little twist on everything. Another large difficulty is having the time to do these things between school work and my job, as it is hard to find the time to make something.  I continue through all of these difficulties because I have the courage and hope to become a cook when I’m older. This is what I want for my future and if I lose my courage to become a chef I won’t go anywhere in life because I won’t be willing to do anything else. I have the hope to become a chef because I am willing to do anything to follow my dreams.       

-Brad Martin
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgbzbdxTm4E

Passion

My passion is lacrosse; every second of it feels like the first time I stepped foot on the floor. My heart gets beating, my adrenaline shoots through the roof and I love every moment of it.  Lacrosse isn’t just a sport played by a bunch of guys either, that’s the best part of it all, through out the season you become more than just a team, you become a family, and there is nothing better than playing your favorite sport with a bunch of brothers.

People often think lacrosse is a sport for goons, and that guys only play it to fight and hit people. It's a lot more than that; hitting and fighting are certainly a part of the game, you hit to get the ball and you fight to stand up for teammates. However, lacrosse isn’t about violence, it's about sacrificing your body for a teammate or blocking a shot to prevent the other team from scoring. These things aren’t easy to do either, it takes a lot of courage to block a shot or stand up for a team mate, but it also takes courage to catch the ball and run it up the floor. It doesn’t matter if you hold the ball for 2 seconds or 30 seconds, it doesn’t take long for a guy bigger than you to run in and cream you into the boards.

Now, the absolute best part of lacrosse is the feeling when you take a shot and you score, all of the excitement and joy rushes through your body, All of your teammates are screaming with happiness and fans are jumping out of their seats. All of the courage it took to get that ball and take a chance for a shot, and as soon as that ball leaves your stick all you can do it hope you hit the net, and hope that the ball sneaks past the goalie and smashes into the net. Once you hear cheering you know you did good, not only for yourself, but you did good for your family, and its something you get to be proud of for the rest of your life.

 

Lacrosse isn’t just a sport for me.  It isn't just about all of the running until you puke, the constant yelling from the coach, or the purple bruises all over your body. We don’t do it because we want to be cool or because someone said we should play, we play lacrosse for ourselves and we love every single second of it, and this is why I'm so passionate about lacrosse.

-Nick Herasemluk

Keep on Movin'

Courage refers to the ability to accomplish or do something that frightens one; hope is the feeling of expectation and desire for that certain thing to happen. For me, courage and hope have helped guide me to who I am today, despite my dark past. Growing up with the long-lasting effects of a brain tumour made me into the person I am today. Courage helped me realize that my past means nothing compared to what the future may bring for me. I’ve thought long and hard about what the future will hold and many opportunities are possible. I see a great job, great friends and family and a life full of happiness that will hopefully, with hope and courage, move on from all the hard times in the past. I want to inspire my future family and others that even though there can be rough times in life, that you can have the courage and hope to pursue the great things to come.  When I think of my personal vision of the future, there is a part of me that is scared and frightened to think of what might happen to me, and the people I love. I’m afraid of being alone like I was when I was younger, and being bullied for the way I was due to my health incident. I’m thankful for what happened in the past because the courage I have gained over the years will help me to accomplish anything my future throws at  me.

-Clayton Mead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVSOOBQB6I0

Living Life

When you live life, you have to embrace courage and hope. I probably wouldn’t be here today if I did not embrace courage and hope. My passions, dreams, and future have grown through courage and hope.

My passion is on the railroad. My life has gone toward being around trains, modeling trains that are 1/87th of the real thing!  I am part of our local model railway club, and enjoy it a lot. I also take pictures of trains, which has gained me some popularity with other rail fans like me. If I didn't embrace courage and hope, I doubt I would be anywhere close to where I am now. I would probably be a couch potato looking a pictures of trains on the internet if it weren't for courage and hope.

In life, you are subject to vulnerability. You have to be open to escape the grasp of being vulnerable. Me writing this to you now, is allowing me to be open. However, just writing a simple blog to be open won't help forever. In life, you need to keep yourself open in many different forms to not be vulnerable. Being a train fan and model railroader keeps me open in many ways, and I certainly enjoy that. It takes courage and hope to be open as well, which I emphasized at the start and I kid you not because this is an important point to take in order to live life.

Living life was never meant to be easy, but only you decide how to live your own life, in your own way. We face many challenges in our lives, and in defeating those challenges, we have to be open with courage and hope. The sun rises in the east, and sets in the west, repeating infinitely for all. I understand that that time never stops, and in time, we face vulnerability and need to open up. That's just what needs to be done in order to live on this crazy planet. To live a long, beautiful, life.
 -Braedan Dunne
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkime9M4z34

Do you ever wonder if anyone actually understands what you’re going through? Do you ever wonder what it would be like if everyone actually thought about what they’re going to say or going to tell you before they do it? Don’t you find it really annoying how everyone tells you something really nice and heartwarming, but you know that they don’t mean it?

Hi, my name is Guillian Rivera. When you first me, you would probably say I’m one of those people who would laugh so hard that everything in life is probably easy. You know, one of those happy-go-lucky people, or let’s say one of those people who's always happy even when facing so many struggles. Well, you’re wrong. I was that kid, that kid that was taught to be strong, happy, kind and full of faith and hope. I was that kid who was told to be properly be dressed so that people would respect me and that I was supposed to say nice things to people even though they weren't true. I was that kid who was taught to do things that wouldn't hurt or disappoint other people. I was that kid. It’s quite funny because I look back and think to myself, “wow, I was so gullible.”

People tell me that they wish they were me because I have so much confidence, that I can talk to my parents about anything, and  I can do anything and not fail. Every time they tell me that, I think to myself “are they serious?” because if you ask me, I don’t even want to be myself. I mean come on, I’m only seventeen and you wouldn’t believe it if I told you that I’ve been through a lot. I know might seem unbelievable, like what I’m talking about doesn’t really make sense, it doesn’t really add up. But, to be honest I don’t even know my purpose in life. Other people at my age they all have their lives planned out, then there’s me.

Through child hood I was so careless then when I hit age thirteen everything basically changed. I would put other people's happiness before mine, I would do things that I didn't like just to make other people happy. Basically I never really lived my life the way I wanted it to be.  I was always scared; what if one day I started being selfish and didn’t think about others?  What if I was actually myself? Who am I kidding, I don’t even know myself. I don’t even know who Guillian is, all I know is that my life is a mix of misery and sadness.

One of my best pals asked me “Guillian, are you even happy? I mean I know you laugh a lot, but are you actually happy?”  That sentence got me thinking - what is happiness? Is my life that sad, or did this monster that’s inside me eat everything and basically just leave this shell that you see. People say that I’m depressed, that I need attention, or that I need inspiration in life. Do you want to know what I need? I need to be alone, so that I can actually know myself.  I want people surrounding me, but if the people that surround me makes me feel more lonely than I am, then I would just rather run away and never come back.

Everyone tells me, “oh yeah, I totally understand you” but they actually don’t.  They actually think I’m talking nonsense, or that I need to grow up. I just want everyone to listen, but I never had the courage to stand up for myself, or tell somebody to go away because I don’t like their presence, or let’s say I never had the courage to tell someone that I want to do something because it makes me happy and I don’t care if they don’t like it.

Do you even know the struggle of being told what to do? And what I meant by that is you’re telling yourself to do something that wouldn’t make you happy, but would make other people happy. Do you even know the struggle of not having any sleep because you keep over thinking things or you just couldn’t sleep because you know that you’re too sad to sleep because of who you are and what makes you, yourself?  Do you even know what it feels like to cry yourself to sleep every night and not know the reason why?  I hate myself and I have no idea why.  Maybe because I never really had the courage and hope to do something great with my life because I know somebody’s always going to say something.

Do I have courage? Nope. Do I have hope? Yes. I hope that God actually has plans for me and I hope that one day I will find what happiness and what it’s like to live my life without fear.  All I can say is, take a risk and do it because sometimes putting yourself first isn’t really that bad. Sometimes you need to have courage and you need to have hope to have true happiness and to actually find and be yourself.  Courage and hope, sure it doesn’t really sound that important, but soon you’ll realize, just like I did.

Failure is a Monster

Failure is a monster in my life. The word itself brings down and frightens people. I think everyone is afraid of failure, because they’re scared to be embarrassed or downgraded. People are afraid to be a loser, because when you lose, it brings other people up while you go down. That’s how I am mostly and those are my thoughts on failure. There are times in my life where I have failed to be successful and it bothers me. The feeling of getting tossed around by a steer or getting scored on by the other team is not a good feeling because it tells me and everyone around that I wasn’t successful. Also the feeling of being lower than someone else is not a good feeling at all, especially with a person like me.  I’m the type of person to be competitive in sports I’m good at. For example, if I lose a hockey game obviously I’m going to be mad because I wasn’t successful. I know hockey is a team sport, but that sad, down feeling in the dressing after a tough loss to a different team is not good. The gravity and emotions of every single player brings people down and does not feel right because you weren’t successful. Even with rodeo too, every time I don’t throw a steer down and make a fast time, I am obviously going to be mad about it because I wasn’t successful. I think everyone knows the saying "practice makes perfect" and that is what goes through my mind sometimes when I’m doing an event or playing a sport. Another thing that I’ve found difficult to be successful in his Jr. bull riding. It’s something you can’t practice at home or at the rink. It’s a one-time thing at almost every youth rodeo or tour rodeo. I was lucky enough to stay on the Jr. bull for the amount of time given, but after my ride I noticed one of my good friends hurt from riding the Jr. bull. The look in his eyes and the sound of his voice were different that day, because he wasn’t successful. In everything I do, I try my best to shine the light on this monster - failure - by going with what I’m doing and one day, I’ll beat failure by being successful in my own way that is satisfying.

-Bailey Day Chief

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64vXec-pKA4

Numb

I’m not going to start this off with "courage and hope this" and "courage and hope that". I’m going to start by saying… Hi. I’m not a very open person naturally and I think it is because all my life I’ve learned that if guys show their emotions or their soft side then they’re automatically less “manly”. Everyone has a soft side whether it’s for the people they love, the things they like to do, or for food or whatever it is; everyone has a soft side. I like to tell myself that I really don’t care what people think of me, but in all honesty, I do. I take a lot of things personally and it’s a bad trait to have especially when it just brings you down all the time. Elementary school and junior high were the darkest days for me.

In elementary school, I spent 6 years in an anger management program. I hated my parents and teachers for putting me in it. I can’t actually remember why I was put in there in the first place, but I was six years old and let’s just say I disagreed with a lot of other kids and I liked to express my opinion in harsher ways than most would. Anyway, after that whole little scene my parents went through a divorce and that’s when my life became grey. I didn’t understand why my dad never came home after work anymore and it was upsetting. After I realized what had happened, I got over it faster than I would have thought. I just learned to accept it as my life kept getting darker and darker and eventually I became numb to the pain.

In junior high, I tried really hard to fit in and to be popular, but that was quickly extinguished by people who thought they were too good for me. Eventually I just accepted being alone and that’s how I spent a lot of my days. I remember going outside one day and it was bright and sunny; it was probably 30 degrees but I didn’t see it like that. For me, it was actually dark. It was daunting. I started to ignore my parents and the few friends that I had and they would get mad at me, but I just didn’t care. I didn’t eat, sleep, talk, or even make eye contact with anyone else who tried to talk to me. I faked sick so that I wouldn’t have to go to school. I lied to my parents, friends, family, and everyone who might have cared about me just so I could be alone. I did things to myself and other people that were so wrong and I regret it every single day of my life.

The courage and hope in this could be the fact that I’m revealing a soft side about myself which if you haven’t caught on by now, is my past. I don’t remember the feelings as much as the actions only because of how numb I became to everything.

After high school started, I became more focused on myself and what I wanted to do after school and I signed up for the RAP program. As I trudged through my freshman year, I met a girl. This girl, like no other, caught my eye quicker than anything else in the world. She’s the one thing that could actually get through to me. I fell in love and ‘til this day, she is still the only thing that can get me through the day and she is truly my savior.

-Justin Tweter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU

 Monsters hide everywhere. Behind doors, under floor boards, or even in the dark places of your mind and tell you “you’re not good enough”.

Monsters have names too, not the ones that go bump in the night or jump out and yell “Boo!”, but the ones that are bred from emotions. It’s the dark black ones, like tar, filling every hole until that hole is a half. And you, a withered shell of a kid left after a laugh, and all because you told someone you thought was close enough to feel what you feel.  You told them with tears in your eyes “I’m hurting, and this hurt is deep”, but then after spilling your heart and soul into words, for once you mistake the voice in your head for the one you yell at the world. You try to fit in, and are told “sorry, I can’t help you, tell someone else”. But who else can I tell, when you’re the only one left I can tell, about depression. Am I alone, or does this monster make me alone?

-Ryan Sterenberg
 

The Reality in Society

Here in reality, society is huge and there is so much negativity. Many people have no idea how much the negativity affects us and how much pressure is put on us. It’s like a way of suffocating our brains and drowning us at times. Not only negativity, but the warnings of not pursuing “the real definitions’’ of perfection and beauty. All over, from radios, TVs, posters and all kinds of advertisements they tell us that we need to be a certain way in able to pursue and be called "perfect" and "beautiful". Everyday girls as well as women including myself, look in the mirror and when we don’t see that “real definition” we put our selves down by picking at those flaws that completely put us down and make us feel disgusted. For people like myself confused and still learning to be confidant, we need a big portion of motivation, not negativity or the constant reminders of what society classifies perfection and beauty.

I was scrolling through Tumblr and I reached a quote that I thought was lovely with a great amount of understanding to it and it forced me to  take time to think. Della Hicks-Wilson calls the quote “Greater Than”. “Who taught you that the value of a women is the ratio of her waist to her hips, and the circumference of her butt and the volume of her lips? Your math is dangerously wrong; her value is nothing less than infinite”. That quote tells you how society is so toxic to females that everyday we women have to redefine ourselves as human with our bodies needing to relate to ratios, circumferences and volume. Here is another quote I found that has a beautiful meaning to it. “Shout out to all my girls who are bigger than, taller than or weigh less than their boyfriends and feel subconscious about it because our society puts so much emphasis on girls needed to be less than boys in every single way, especially physically”. This is why the world needs more motivation and encouragement. The amount of low self-esteem we ladies have is very overwhelming and takes over us. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin is so important, but to actually feel that comfort and confidence takes so much courage, and that big amount of courage takes much time to accomplish. I think personally and strongly we should have a chance at having confidence and be able to really love ourselves.  

-Maria Osejo

Who I Am

There was one point in my life where I was very depressed and scared. I felt like I was a monster. I became this monster when I would think about how I truly felt about myself and how I thought people saw me. The only way I felt like I could escape this monster that had been growing inside of me was to cut myself. I would cut myself with anything whether it be a razor blade, glass, scissors, or a utility knife. With every cut I put on my body, the more “human” I felt. I could release my pain by dragging a piece of metal a cross my once untouched skin. The thing was I only did this in areas I though no one would be able to see. Soon my legs started to look like a battle ground. I slowly started to use this as a way to feel normal. By cutting I had control over something, but I started to realise that my mind had control over me in a way no one could ever truly understand.

Every day I would put on a smile as if it were a piece of clothing. Soon my thoughts became more negative; I started to think that I wanted to kill myself. Cutting no longer had that satisfying release it had on me anymore. So, one day in the summer of 2014 I took a bottle of T3’s into my bathroom. I was ready to end it all, to take myself from this earth I called hell. Sitting on the side of my bath tub I was ready to say goodbye to my family and end my life, but then all of a sudden I started to breakdown in tears, I had heard a little voice in my head that said “hold on I have a plan for you, it not over yet”. I knew that it was God’s voice speaking to me. I knelt down on my knees and I started to pray to God to change my life. I had always believed in God, but I had never truly felt him. I believe I was given a second chance, to have a new life on this earth.

Now I am 10 months clean from cutting.  I have changed my life. Yes, I still get thoughts in my head but I know I can’t let them control me. I want to use my life as a way to help people who might be struggling in their own lives. When I’m done high school I want to go to college to be a psychologist. I plan to help people who don’t have a voice of their own. By sharing my stories I can inspire other people to change their lives and find new way to deal with their pain and suffering.

-Alyssa Guiccone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kbwrXZ5S5s

The Monsters in My Life

Throughout my whole life I’ve always had to deal with different types of monsters. The ones who would give me nightmares and scare me awake during the night, the ones who would hide in my room and make me afraid to open my eyes to the darkness of what untold things hid in my closet when I was sleeping. These monsters were typical in my early years, as I got older the monsters became more invisible, like something that became a little less real and become more imaginary. These monsters that I created in my head were something out of my control. During my growing years as a young teenager and having to deal with stress levels a thirteen year old shouldn’t have to deal with was just the start of the problem. The monsters in my life were no longer imaginary, they became anxiety, insecurities, depression, and PTSD. I kept them hidden in the dark for many of my teenage years.

A difficult time in my life where I experienced most of this was when I had to continue to go to school a few weeks after the passing of my mother. What made it so difficult was not only coming home to a quiet environment where she would often occupy a huge space in my house. She would usually be playing her favorite songs on the stereo and be cleaning or cooking us something to eat when we finally came home and ask us, “how was your first day of school?” But the most difficult was dealing with the people who already knew about it and would always ask me about what happened to her, or even bringing it up to begin with. I would always hear what felt like meaningless, tainted, sympathetic words “I’m sorry about your mom, are you okay?” repeated itself endlessly as if to mock me. Hearing them did not comfort me, nor was I ever “okay” with the fact that I would have to grow up the rest of my life forgetting what it was like to hear my mother’s voice. It was a tough time to think about all the memorable traits she left behind and now her daughters who would have to learn to grow up without knowing what it’s like without the support of a mother.

I never would have got through this difficult time without my sister. She and I were on the same page; I was going through grade eight while my sister was as old as I am now, and was going through her graduation year. Together we got through it with perseverance and by supporting each other’s grief. Our education became our primary source of getting through it. Even though we hated school and dealing with people, we made it our priority that we will get through the school year for our mom. My sister graduated at the end of the year and I finished my grade eight with sufficient scores. This gave us motivation to do better, not just in school, but for ourselves. We gave each other hope and in order for someone to have hope, they must have the courage to act on it. This changed my life and it gave me the strength I have now as a grade twelve student, finally graduating my years of school. I now must keep this oath I made when I was in grade eight and turn it into my reality - for my mother.

-Chataya Holy Singer

http://www.onlythebible.com/Poems/Footprints-in-the-Sand-Poem.html
This poem meant a lot to my mother because she always looked at this poem when she was upset and this was the poem that gave her strength and inspiration.

Passion in Work

I am passionate about skateboarding. It’s on my mind all day long, thinking of places I’d like to skate and new tricks I’d like to learn. There are some difficulties you face growing up in Lethbridge wanting to skate and this includes the lack of indoor spots/parks to skate during the long winters. During the winter my friends and I get restless and wish for nothing but to be skating again. The wind is also an issue, making it very hard to skate in the park on certain days. The skate park is designed to either skate west- east or east -west, and the wind blows in those directions. The skate park is great and my friends and I make it work, but for a demographic of our size the park is too small  and this is a bad thing because the park is usually crowded, with people commonly running into each other. I have been run into my many children and even adults.  A lot of these run-ins are caused by young scooter kids who don’t know what they’re doing. Some parents even bring their kids in tricycles, sleds and wagons and let their kids take over the park. Parents should educate their children on taking turns and proper skate park etiquette. The lack of street spots is also an issue; quality spots in Lethbridge are almost non-existent. The good spots were capped a long time ago because of the older generation of skaters who skated them. Street spots are important when filming videos. Security is pretty active downtown making it almost impossible to skate during the weekdays without getting kicked out within 5 minutes. Security is also bad at the University. Don’t get me wrong I love skating, but these are just a few things wrong with Lethbridge.

There is a good in Lethbridge too. I’m glad we got a new park built; it’s a lot better than the old one. The old skate park was isolated making it quite dangerous at certain times of the day. The ground there was rough making falling even more painful and it had a lack of good street obstacles. The new park has obstacles for almost everybody and for practicing different tricks. I appreciate what The Boarderline does for the local skate scene. The Boarderline is the local skate shop and they are regularly putting on contests and events, they also help out skaters with discounts and cheap products. They have helped me out with free boards in the past after looking at the condition mine was in. I’m lucky to have a great group of friends too, who inspire me to get better. I enjoy the time I spend skating with them. There are a few good skate spots in the city like Chinook, a spot with lots of flat ground, ledges, benches and gaps. There is a new spot in the industrial called Greggs Distribution that has two long ledges, gaps, many pads, lots of smooth flat ground and ramps to wallie. The industrial has a lot of new secret spots that people are discovering.  The University also has a lot of spots across the campus; we are still finding new ones when we visit there. On rainy days you can go skate the Indoor parkade at the hospital, which has active security patrolling the area or the indoor parking lot at the downtown Scotia Bank after it closes.

Lethbridge has a tight knit scene. I can go to the skate park and recognise every local and they could say the same about me. There are a few skaters who inspire me. Dylan “Dillz” Righthand is a Calgary skateboarder that inspires me that through hard work and determination you can achieve your dreams while still enjoying yourself. He is out there skating every day, rain or shine. Dillz does innovative creative tricks and I like his clothing style. Another inspiration is Ishod Wair, a skater who just focuses on skateboarding and he is very talented. He also has a good style on a skateboard and an advanced trick selection. He worked very hard to get where he is today and is being rewarded for it. My favourite website to watch skateboarding is Thrasher Magazine. I go here daily to watch any new skateboard clips. Thrasher likes to present raw gnarly skateboarding instead of documentaries or dramatic videos that focus on art or other stuff including little actual skating that other websites are responsible for.

-Brandon Amonson

http://www.thrashermagazine.com/

 

 

Jump On Opportunity

When life gives you an opportunity don’t ever hesitate to jump on it and take what you can for your own benefit.

            Although it may not be fully visible or obvious to most people I’m surrounded by, and you may not be able to tell by the outgoing and confident person I am now, I have been through a lot. I struggled with depression throughout my life starting around grade six. My doctor rated my depression on a scale of one to ten, one being minimal depression and ten being the worse. I came up at a nine. I was insecure and unconfident. I dreaded waking up just as most teenagers do, but I dreaded it for different reasons. I used to get bullied when I was younger. I ended up turning to self-harm as an unsuccessful, but addicting solution to what I was going through. This “solution” got me placed in a hospital for a week.

            One day a job came up, an opportunity to get my mind off of the overthinking and the pain. So, I worked. I worked 16 hour days, six days a week pouring concrete, raking, and finishing at an industrial scale. My record is 22,000 square feet poured, raked, and finished in one day with a four man crew. I ended up losing 35 pounds just over the summer. I gained muscle definition and strength. My strength was not only physical, but also mental. I took an opportunity even though I knew it would be hard work. Because of this decision, my body and brain transformed into something previously unimaginable to myself. I was changed forever in the best way that possibly could have happened.

         So, now I sit here writing my story for people to read. I want anyone reading this to listen when I tell you, take it to heart when people say a little hard work doesn’t kill you. Jump on opportunities that come along even if that means a difficult journey because the outcome is worth every drop of blood, or stream of sweat that comes from you. The outcome will help you realize no matter how hard life gets, there will always be brighter days. 

-Aedan Dunning
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NJqUN9TClM

I have recently been going into a downward spiral in my life. I felt alone and felt as if nobody even cared, just small things would trigger me. I have recently found out that courage means your heart and to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart, and that is what I am going to do, so I am going to tell you my story. We need the courage to know that we as human beings do have imperfections but that doesn’t define us as who we truly are from inside our heart.

Just the past few weeks have been very stressful, school, my personal life and just little things would bother me. I thought I could manage the feelings I was feeling and hold them in. You see growing up I was always told that if you let people see you’re sad, down, scared etc.; you are weak and pathetic. That has always stuck with me. I would never want people to see what I was feeling because of what I learned growing up. I needed to be “strong”. Until one day, I broke.

Just one single argument with someone you love can cause difficulties in your  life and can trigger a lot of things, especially if you have been through a lot growing up and are still going through hard and stressful times. Saturday, October 3^rd 2015. That was the day I had enough. I didn’t have the hope to keep going through this life. I didn’t have the courage to face everybody on this Earth and so I made the biggest decision of my life.
 

That big decision led me to be in the hospital. I was under a twenty four hour watch for a day and a half, and then I was moved into the C.A.M.P program. I thought it was going to be hell and I would have to be stuck there for months, but no. C.A.M.P was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned so much. I realized that I wasn’t alone. I found the courage to reach out and ask for help and the hope to know that there is so much to live for in this life. I heard this quote “lean into the discomfort” and that’s exactly what I had to do to and it took me this far. I am now doing so much better. I just needed a hand with some stuff emotionally.
 

I just want people to know that if you feel something similar to what I felt, just know you are not alone and you have so much people who do care about you, you just need the courage to reach out for help, and the hope to know that you are worth living for.
 

-Nakota Eagle Child

Life is hard.  I go through my day hoping that when I get home I’ll be welcomed with a warm smile and a loving embrace.  Some people don’t get that or at least not all the time.  Some find that it’s better to run from life either with a bottle or knife; these people don’t see the love or warmth around them, they only see the things that make them sad.

"I’ve got open eyes and an open door, but I don’t know what I'm searching for.  I have a big old heart and this I know for sure, yet I don’t know what my love is for." - Passenger

The struggles that I face are hard, but that is only because my future holds something big.  God wouldn’t send me anything I can’t handle.  I’m so afraid and it’s hard to find a reason when you’re full of doubts.  I struggle with two things: doubt and disbelief.  These two are big problems for me.  They are negative and discouraging.  They cause me to make poor choices which makes life difficult.  They cause us to say things like “I wish I lost weight” or “I wish to see someone famous” or “I wish I had better relationships.”  We need to stop wishing for things and make up our minds that God will help us have wisdom, make good choices, and overcome our trials if we put our faith in him.  Another way I struggle with doubt and disbelief is thinking God won’t help me because I haven’t done everything right, or believing God is willing to help others but not me.  One thing I have learned is that God doesn’t expect perfection from us.  God works in our lives through faith.  He wants us to expect Him to do good things in our lives. 

 "It’s hard to see inside yourself when you can’t see your way out.  It’s hard to find  an answer when the question won’t come out." - Passenger

Every day you need to stay positive.  The devil is trying to fill our minds with negative obsessions and doubt.  You fight the devil by opening your mouth and saying, What God would say?  Don’t let the Devil use your mind as a garbage dump.  You may be thinking, I just can’t help it…I wish I could believe and not doubt.  The truth is, you can.  God wouldn’t tell us to trust in him if it were not possible.  We can defeat our doubts and our disbelief.  So how do we do it?  How do we believe in God and go after it like we go after food when we’re all really hungry?  We believe.  God’s word is medicine to our soul and the food we need to keep our spirit strong. 

A Seemingly Endless Struggle and How It Actually Ended

There was a time when I could not find a light in my life. I was convinced that everyone who I ever cared about would leave me. During this time I was a victim of severe bullying, and the few friends I was able to make transferred schools - twice. I was devastated and as a result, stopped interacting with people. I used to come home from school crying because of loneliness. I could not understand why this was happening to me.

Then one day, while I was searching around on the Internet I found a geeky feminist news site. They had a well moderated comment section and the people were very accepting. On a whim I typed up a rather silly comment and sent it over there. I cringed in embarrassment shortly afterwards, but the next day I found out that not only did people like my comment, they actually replied to it. I was flattered beyond belief. These people actually believed that I was smart? They thought that my opinion was actually worth something? I was quite flattered and thus started talking there more and more. When my parents and I would get into a fight I would log onto the chat, tell them my problems and would get at least one person telling me I was not the piece of garbage that I felt like. They assured me that it really was normal to feel anxious about certain things.

Their encouragement gave me courage to do things in the real world. I handed out my resumes, and started taking the bus to gain some independence.  I started arguing for things I believed in, and stood up to bullies. I don’t know where I would be without them.

-Karly Reiter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WC5aJGSG0is

In life I think everyone has a dark side. Mine is wishing that life wasn’t the way it is now. There is a thick wall between how I present myself to the world and how I really am on the inside, without my mask. I used to be a very outgoing and positive individual who put herself out in the open quite often, but somewhere along the line my life took a turn. Staring at a very young age in my life almost every day I was bullied. I would get picked on for being different. I remember the way the other kids in my class used to laugh at my pale skin, saying I looked like I was sick, or albino. Mostly the harsh words were aimed at my weight though.

Clothing has always been a huge struggle for me. It was hard finding clothes to fit my little over weight body when I was young.  I always wanted to wear cloths the other girls would wear, but there was a problem, I just wouldn’t fit.  I often found myself draping my body in boy’s clothes instead because that was the only clothing I could wear to fit my body right. I just wanted to be normal.

One day I got a haircut. I was so proud of my new look, and happy, I couldn’t wait to show it off. I got straight across bangs and I thought they were the best thing ever, the new change was great, but once I arrived at my school, everything changed. The kids laughed at me, saying I looked ugly and even fatter then yesterday, and before I knew it I had accumulated a new nick name, ‘Ugly Betty’.  I have never felt more ashamed to be me than in that moment. It hurt, so I decided it was time for a change. I needed to make a diffence in my life.

I joined the cross country team and began to workout. Every single day I worked so hard, and kept pushing myself till I could go no more. A lot of people told me that I could never lose the weight, that I would always be the fat ugly girl, and I was a fool for even trying to better myself. They laughed, but their silly remarks only caused me to push myself harder. They were my motivation, and I thank them now for helping me. I soon began to notice a difference in myself, not only in my body, but my attitude too. I felt healthy and alive, for the first time in my life, and it showed. I also began to wear makeup. I wake up every morning, put my makeup on, and straighten my hair, just to make myself feel worthy, to hide my insecurities from the world, but with this I found my passion. I love makeup. Makeup is a way for you to cover up your flaws, and sculpt your face into how you dream to look, but it is more than just a cover up in my eyes, Makeup is a form of art, my face is my canvas, and this is my life.  I didn’t do it for the people who said I couldn’t, I did it to improve the person I am.

It’s hard going through life day after day, when all people do is try to rip you apart from the roots up. The things that people say can put a huge toll on your life. Sometimes I find myself wondering how my attitude and outlook on life would be if I didn’t experience this is my life. Would I still be the person I am now?

I still get some remarks for the way I look. But you know what? It doesn’t bug me anymore, not one bit.  I can just brush their harsh words right off my shoulder in a blink of an eye because I have found myself.  I am finally free.

-Kiara McGarrigle

Every living human has courage and hope that helps them overcome challenges in life. Hope gives a person confidence that everything will work out in the end and next time they are going through a rough patch in life they will have the courage to overcome their challenge.

I have had a hard time growing up, for me life was pretty difficult, but I feel that I have gone through so much in life that it has made me a stronger person today. I have struggled both mentally and emotionally in my life with multiple things. When I was younger I used to get bullied a lot for multiple reasons like my culture, my appearance, and my weight. No matter what it was I was always getting bullied for it and I felt like no one liked me; I always felt like I was out of place. I have struggled with self-confidence because I was always told that I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough.

When I got to junior high the bullying still occurred.  On top of all that I was struggling with family problems that I’d rather not speak about. I lost both of my grandparents when I was younger which was really hard for me because my grandparents were like my second parents; I was very close to them and I think of them often. It wasn’t until I started high school when the bullying stopped, but by then I was completely damaged.  I was depressed. I was still going through some family problems and struggling with myself mentally.  I felt like I had no one and I didn’t have many friends. I was in a very dark place in my mind and I spent most of my time in my room.

I have had many problems like voices in my head telling me that I’m not good enough.  I used to have suicidal thoughts, I used to self-harm, and I used to get panic attacks and that were enough to make me want to give up, but I didn’t. I went through many phases trying to fit in or trying to be different and I tried so hard to make myself better mentally.

I started to get more into music that made me feel alive; it made me feel like I was finally at peace and I could escape from my problems. I was in a world of my own. My parents got me an electric guitar and at first I didn’t play it because I didn’t know how to, but I taught myself and started to play more on it and I got better.  Now I play almost every day because it is the only thing that makes me feel okay. It wasn’t until the ending of grade 10 when I found some amazing friends and I felt like people actually liked me. I was slowly getting better and now I am in a better state of mind.  I just kept hoping everything will go away and in the end things will be better and they are.  I hope to never fall back into that dark place again.

-Shanelle Healy

Unstuck

When my family first attempted to come to Canada, at the time it was the most difficult moments we had to go thought mostly for my mom who started it all, the process of trying to come, trying to start a better life. She ran away from war, and ended up a in small town, where she started the process of coming to Canada with ten children; it was too much to try to come to a place like this.  Five of us were in different cities, my mom would have to find a way of gathering everyone together and just hope that we made it in to the system.  Money was being spent, and all the people she was borrowing money from stopped giving her money.  It even got to the point where her own sister, who she trusted, had given up on her, not believing that she could make it she kept telling her to stop. Even the Mayor of the town noticed and didn’t want her to be in the process.  Sometimes  he didn’t want her to be in his office, when she would go to see if her name had come up, he would start calling her names saying, “you are a fool trying to take that many people with you”. My mom never gave up on hope and she had such courage; it kept her going along with her belief in God.  

Often, when we feel stuck, we’re waiting for something magical to happen. What’s magical is what we do to overcome our current situation. We spend so much time wondering when life will begin to go our way, instead of acknowledging our circumstances and building a road through the challenges.

Having hope and courage gives us the ability to get through the challenges we face. If you really want something, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse. Stop thinking about why you can’t do it and start believing that you’re fully capable. Stop worrying that the challenges are too hard and start focusing on why you must make it through. The only person holding you back is you and those around you who don’t want to see you at there, who are they to tell you that or to even imagine that. Not making a choice is making an excuse. It’s time to choose what’s best for you.

Don’t change every time your circumstances change who you are. Choose to grow; be better than yesterday. Choose to never let life’s struggles define you. Our emotions are never going away, so we must learn to make room for them.

-Chris Kamia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqH8MmIi1yc

Working Towards Hope

When you fall down you want to stay down but hope says “get up”. If you do not have hope you can have troubles reaching your goals. Hope also helps you get through life; if you have hope you can accomplish anything.

As humans we need hope. When I was younger (about 9) my family had a huge family reunion. One of my distant cousins is a motocross racer and he took me for a ride on his bike; I sure needed hope and courage then because I’ve never been on a motocross bike before and I could barely see overtop of the bike, plus at that time I thought that I was going to die because it looked scary, but I did not die and it was extremely fun. After my cousin took me for a ride on his bike I said to my mom, “Can I get one now mom?”  From that day on I wanted to be a motocross racer, but I was not willing to do the physical training to keep myself in shape. When I got older and started to learn more about cars I started wanting to be a mechanic. My dad has an old muscle car that I help him work on every now and then.   I want to become a journeyman mechanic so that I can work anywhere that has to do with cars and trucks and not heavy duty machinery. I would need to become a heavy duty mechanic to work on heavy duty machinery. Now my dad has bought me the same kind of old muscle car that he has, except for the fact that mine is older and rarer than his.  Every now and then dad and I will look at my car and try and see if there is anything wrong with it and if there is anything wrong with it we write it down and when I get money to get it on the road we will fix everything that is wrong with it.

 This has to do with hope and courage because you have to have courage to work on a vehicle because you might do something wrong and break something so therefore you have hope that you don’t  do something wrong and it works out well for you in the end.

-David Snyder


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5GFiDdGGGM