Anxiety is the feeling of apprehension about what's to come in your life. It makes you overthink, worry, and fear about what's coming. As a teenager, the start of adulthood, the start of change scares me because being a grown up comes with big responsibilities: finance, health, companionship, freedom and time. I have to worry about being late to work, my rent, to have fun with my life, and to keep track of what I have to do next. When I was a kid I didn't have to worry about anything because my grandma and my mom were always there for me, and they gave me what I needed such as love, support, and money. My grandma used to tell me to never doubt a person's capability of doing things. I live by these words, but somehow I never did love myself and was never proud of what I had accomplished. I was always scared of not making my parents proud, of not being good enough from both inside and out meaning my appearance and my personality. I did always try hard for people to like me, but at the same time judgement overfill my mind. Because of these judgments I never had the courage to approach new people, or make friends, as I was always waiting for them to talk to me. In reality there's nobody judging me, but as a teenager who lives in a world where what matters is how a person looks, fear gets the best of me and I just can't help but doubt and hate myself.
Through time, I have realized that when you break your silence, people start coming in your life while fear starts to fade. It took me years to tell my mother and I expected the worst, but I gathered all the courage in the world and told her what I felt, all my fears, and she said that I was perfect and that I should never try to be what I am not because she loves me no matter what. By then I realized that looks didn’t matter, the fears that built up inside me didn't matter because I have a reason to feel happy, to feel love, to have courage and to find hope. Breaking my silence to my friends and my loved ones helped me get over the fears that took over my life.
In my journals I wrote about the feelings of happiness, the reason to live and to be proud of what has happened. I expressed what I felt through a paper and a pencil and since then I realized that having to know yourself gives you a lot of reason to live and not fear about what's going to happen because when there is fear, there is hope. For example, Shawshank redemption, character Andy Duffresne, feared but he never did lose hope on freedom and to fulfill his dream life.
-Kim
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