We all have
difficult times whether we chose it or not. I guess you could say that the difficult times that I had made me fear the
unknown. For me the difficult times that I faced in my life was the time when I
was bullied. When I was in junior high there was two groups, the first group
was the populars and the second was the outlaws or the loners. I was in that
group and so were my “friends”. Every
day was a torture for us, I mean it was an internal misery. Each day they would
find a way to make my life horrible. It was as if it was their life mission to
make feel like I was worthless. I was called names and tortured until I was
left feeling lost and scared. I was left as a broken girl blowing away into
nothing. For me courage and hope is something I can never have. All I had was
fear and darkness. Fear controlled me to the point where I felt like I was
stuck in a cage with only two options. Let the bullying continue or destroy the
rest of this shattered shell. At the
point in my life I only felt like an empty shell. It was as if they would take
my heart out and would stab every little thing that would make me feel pain.
After they were done they would shove it back in my chest and make me feel
worthless and pathetic inside. I tried to stick up for my friends in order to
feel something at least ,but what good did that do? All I got in return was
to be alone and have nothing or no one to stick up for me. That was the risk I
took and I was paying for it. I asked myself what I did to deserve this. To be
called fat, ugly, stupid, and cow was hard. I started to believe that they were
true and it made me start wanted to destroy this empty shell. I was left
feeling worthless and hopeless in myself. I started to feel the inner demons
start to consume me. It was as if I was being dragged deeper and deeper into
the darkness. As I got deeper I was faced with hardships even worse than
before. I was being torn from the inside and became a focal point for target
practice. To be left with feeling like I was point blank ranged shot with a
shotgun from the cruelty of those who felt like it was their responsibility to
get rid of the less inferior. It became difficult for me to trust anyone after
that. All of my so called “friends” became popular and left me in the dust. I
wanted nothing more than to end it all. To let my soul be trapped in the dark
forever and disappear.
When I
finally was able to leave that school and come to Catholic Central I still
couldn’t trust anyone. I would put on a mask every day and just smile and
laugh. When I am at home I would have nightmares and be trapped in the darkness
once again. I wished I could know what it meant to have the ability to feel the
warmth of trusting and a sense of belonging, to be able to have the brightest
light shine a path to help me get out of the dark. As the days gone by I kept
my mask on and pretended to smile and have fun. Along the way I met my best
friend Amanda. Amanda was able to help me become the person I am today. She has
giving me hope and courage to break out of the darkness. She is one of the most
amazing person I have ever met and she is someone I was able trust. I am so
glad that I was able to meet her and become someone that she was able to trust.
I still am haunted by my past and the fear that controlled me, but Amanda has
given me hope that I have wished for. To be able to feel hope and courage was
because I was able to meet my best friend Amanda. Even though I have known
Amanda for three years she is the one that has been there for me through
everything. She is the one person that I am lucky to have as a best friend.
I was
finally able to gain courage and drop my mask that I had used all this time and
I felt free. I was able to talk to others and be myself and for once it
actually worked. People liked me for who I was and they didn’t judge me for
being different or less inferior. For once in my life I felt like I belonged
and a chance to know what truly living is all about. I was able to feel the
environment around me change to become something new.
By: Catherine Irwin
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