Through my day from when I wake up
to when I go to sleep, I avoid mirrors. Every time I see myself I don’t like
what I see. Throughout my life I’ve had to have the courage to get up in the
morning and go to school, everyday someone would make fun of the way I look,
how I talked, got excluded from groups because of the way I would act. Every
day I had the courage to get up while my head would ask what would I be called
today who is going to pick on me today… I shouldn’t go to school, I’m too sick.
I still went every day no matter how much I didn’t want too. Now today I can’t look at myself the same way
that I did when I was 7; I see myself the way everyone did when I got into
junior high, to fat, to stupid, weird, reject, ugly, disappointment, worthless,
and much more… I don’t see myself any different. I have people in my life who
support me and love me for who I am, and say that I’m none of those things, but
when you’ve been told something for a long time it’s hard to believe the
opposite. I don’t accept who I am, I hate who I am. I’ve been trying to gain the
courage to learn to love myself, but I just can’t. Now just because the world is
around me I still feel alone; I feel like there is no one who understands what
it feels like to go through the day upset and mad at myself for who I am. I listen to a song called just like nothing
by a guy named Prozak. There is a lyric that keeps replaying itself in my head…
“Even though the world's around me
I feel lonely like I'm the only one
Even though the world has found me
It can drown me
It feels just like nothing”
I don’t have the courage to take my
hoodie off anymore, not because I think I'm fat, it’s because of my arm. If
anyone could see my arm they would judge me even more than they already do… so
I guess what I'm saying is that I don’t have courage anymore. Im scared every
day that I'm going to be put down for what I do or how I look or how I talk.
That’s why I have anxiety I don’t want to go out in public because I'm worried
about them judging me for who I am…
I feel like these lyrics from the
song (mentioned earlier), explains a lot of what I feel every day.
"Just Like Nothing"
[Hook: Tyler Lyon]
Even though the world's around me
I feel lonely
Like I'm the only one
Even though the world has found
me
It can drown me
It feels just like nothing
[Hook: Tyler Lyon]
[Verse 1: Prozak]
Maybe there's a reason I feel I'm
the only one
I walk amongst 7 billion
understood by none
A lost soul walking down the
cross-roads
Searching for some sanctuary,
some peace of mind just to grab hold
Man overboard in the darkest sea
of reality
Desperately trying to keep himself
from sinking and he's frantically panicking and there’s no sign of land
Can he be the man that can handle
this damage and get back up on his feet again
Cause somewhere deep inside his
abdomen he feels the burn and purpose to defeat these inner demons that seem to
submerge him
That always seem to surface and
cause a diversion,
that sures him to crash and burn
on his course to destiny's purpose
[Hook: Tyler Lyon]
[Verse 2: Prozak]
Maybe it's too late now I see the
sky is faded
No turning back no second chance
and thats an understatement
My only friend is my reflection
and he's dissipatin'
Into these endless days of
disarray I'm contemplatin'
Where did I go wrong, try to hold
on [?] be strong
Hard to feel that home when
theres no place for me to belong
I guess it's back to packin down
these back roads
With a black hole inside my chest
that used to hold a soul
[Bridge: Prozak]
Maybe when it's all done I can
finally realize
Why I felt alone through this
journey of my life
And everything will finally make
sense to me one day
But until then I wish I could
make this go away
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