“…Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble
or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua
1:7-9)
This particular
quote is very significant to me because I can connect to it in a way that has
brought me peace and understanding within myself.
The loss of a loved one will leave you
feeling empty inside. As if the world will never be the same again and nothing
will ever be able to heal your pain. The truth is that time heals all wounds
and the world keeps going as if nothing happened. The power of courage and hope
is very beneficial; when used right, it can allow you to achieve things that
you weren’t initially capable of. It can change and revise your whole
perception on life and your way of going about things. My perspective on life
and my faith have drastically changed through keeping hope and courage. I never
would have known I’d be saying this but, in the midst of unexpected tragedy, I
do believe somewhere inside me that some good has come out of it.
Not many people
that are close to me know that I have two sisters. They’re only aware of one
because well my older one passed away when I was just 8 years old. Her name is Misty and she was 17 when her
life was taken away in a car accident.
I can vividly remember that one night where
my whole world came tumbling down. It was around 2 am in the morning when we
heard knocking at the door and realized that it was the police. I was young, so
I had no idea what was going on until eventually the officers broke the bad
news. I remember there were two friendly female social workers that had come
with the police and they gave my sister and I teddy bears and they were talking
to us, trying to keep us calm and relaxed. I really didn’t know how to react or
take it because it all came so unexpected and soon. All the hope and courage
that I had was immediately stripped of me and I felt so alone because I was
really close to her. There were countless memories that we’ve shared together
and I just couldn’t imagine a life without her. She would always tell me silly
jokes and funny things that she came across and I loved that. Her humor was the
best thing about her. There can be days where my whole household is in a bad
mood and she would just crack one of her jokes and the entire atmosphere
reciprocated. The next couples years after that, the amount of grief and
sadness that I’ve felt was heavier than ever because I felt like I couldn’t go
to anyone else. Even though I had my friends and the rest of my family. I had a
connection with Misty that I had with no other. I felt like I could tell her
anything and bring my problems to her because she would always have an answer
for me. She was into writing and poetry, so she would come up with these
cheesy, prudent literary writings that fit my exact problem, that’s what I
loved about her. I just loved being a little gremlin towards her with my other
sister Mackenzie. We would sneak down into her room and scare her and all these
little annoying things that children do. She would get really mad at us
eventually but it was worth it. I kept thinking about all the times that we’ve
spent with her and it’s only making me miss her more. I always thought what if
she hadn’t gone out that weekend with her friends? That very thought has been
deep down inside me for as long as I could think. It’s just so hard to grasp
everything and take it in because it’s not what I want. I just want her back, nothing
else.
As I slowly and surely starting growing up,
I felt physically and emotionally shattered, and now this tragedy sent me
teetering on the brink. There was no place to put this senseless loss. All I
could feel besides grief was anger. I was angry at people around me and so many
things that were so darn unfair, but what really stopped me in my tracks was
the realization that I was really mad at God. He could have stopped that
tragedy from happening, but He didn’t. To tell the truth, God did not seem good
to me at that time. In my heart, I knew that He was a good God, but in the face
of such devastation, it was hard to convince my mind. Nothing can destroy our
faith as much as when we begin to doubt God’s goodness. Along the path of
suffering, we stand at a fork in the road. We have two choices. Do we lose hope
and courage and believe God doesn’t exist, or worse, that He has abandoned us,
or do we determine to believe, hope, and trust Him at all cost?
The news that
was given to us was that there were six people in the car when it rolled
multiple times and ended in the ditch. It was my sister and 5 of her friends.
My sister had a friend by the name Chantel and they had the same body size and
everything. The other four were 2 guys and a girl. When they crashed, one of
the two girls died at the scene instantly and the other didn’t. At the time,
the police weren’t able to identify which were which so they eventually told us
that my sister was the one that died on the scene. We were all in shock and
disbelief. The whole situation was all a misunderstanding and they actually got
my sister and her friend mixed up. My sister did not pass away on the scene,
instead was airlifted and taken to Calgary Children’s Hospital. We were told my
sister was dead, so after a day or two we were then beginning to plan the
funeral and all that stuff. Chantel’s family was at Calgary hospital in the
room where my sister was, thinking that it was their daughter. I honestly don’t
know how they didn’t know because they were there holding her hand thinking
that she’s alive. But their daughter died instantly in the crash. We eventually
figured out the whole situation and was then reunited with my sister in the
hospital. My entire family and extended family were driving all over the place
and calling each other trying to find out what was happening. I can still
remember everything so clearly, as if it happened just last week. My sister was
in critical condition and was in a coma. I remember being at her bedside,
holding her hand and just hoping that she’d open her eyes and wake up. I didn’t
know it was possible to say as many prayers as I did that night. I’d be holding
her hand and it’d twitch and move sometimes and my hopes were suddenly lifted
then dropped when she didn’t do anything. There was really nothing we could do
because she was basically alive through the machines. The hardest thing that I
had to sit there and go through was the decision on whether or not to pull the
cord. Eventually they did and my sisters final zigzag lines became a linear
line, followed by that indicated sound of no heartbeat.
Eventually after
a few years, I started my first year of junior high school. I never ever talked
about my sister passing away because it was just too hard. I just couldn’t
forgive myself for some reason and I knew that it wasn’t my fault. The very
feeling of grief and sorrow was the core of my body and it felt like whatever I
did, I found myself feeling sad. Every time I even tried to think about it, a
tear would come to my eye because I just haven’t accepted the fact that she’s
gone and isn’t coming back. I found myself praying to God a lot more when I was
by myself and always questioned God. Why did you have to take her? I wouldn’t
allow myself to let her go and always wondered if she was okay. My hope and
courage was very little at this point in time and I felt unsure of what to do
anymore. Everything changed during this one night and I think strengthened my
hope, courage and faith in the Lord. I was sleeping and I had a dream about my
sister Misty. In my dream, everything around me was pearly white and to me, it
appeared to be heaven. I saw my sister I’d say 10 feet away from me and she was
smiling and seemed so happy. I sure was happy and excited to see her. All I was
thinking about was running up to her and giving her the biggest hug I could
squeeze out of me, but I couldn’t. Something wouldn’t let me go close to her,
like it were a barrier between life and death. I kept calling out to her all
these questions and asking her if she okay but all she did was smile at me. The
only words she spoke to me were, “don’t worry or cry anymore, I’m okay.”
Then I woke up. I immediately felt a feeling
of relief and peacefulness, as if weights were lifted off my shoulders and I
could live and breathe again. After that, I felt myself not becoming as sad and
thinking about all that happened. This particular dream has really made me
think differently on death and that there quite possibly is a life after death.
My faith in God has improved significantly and the hope inside me as risen to
new heights.
Without
hope and courage in our lives, we place a limitation upon ourselves in the
things that we can do and grow from. In order for us to grow and have sudden
realizations in life, we must have that hope and desire to do things and let
ourselves become better and mature out of it. Like I said before, I believe
something good has come out of my sisters passing in that I’ve become more
mature and open-minded in all that I do. Your life can change drastically at
any moment. Don’t take life or the people that you love for granted; you’re
only here once. Losing Misty taught me that living everyday intentionally and
purposefully is what I intend to strive for. I am sorry that I had to lose her
to realize that. It has been 9 years since that day, and sometimes I still hope
it was all a dream. But nothing is more certain in life than death. My sister
was one of my best friends and it hurts me that she is going to miss out on my
high school graduation and my entrance to post-secondary. It also hurts me that
she won’t be here for when I get married or start a family, but I know she is
up in Heaven watching over me and waiting for the day until I can be with her
again…
By Skylar Firstrider
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