Slowly Gaining Courage

My past is made up of fear and hopelessness. I never had courage, whether it was for others or myself. People always bullied me for being different and weird. I never had courage to stand up for myself, so I tried to change many times so they would leave me alone. They never did leave me alone and instead they always found different things to make fun of me for. This caused me to have no hope in life or in myself. I started believing and telling myself exactly what they told me, that I’m too fat, ugly, stupid, annoying, insane and just so much more hurtful words that stick with me to this day. My self-esteem went way down making my future so much more blurry. There’s the saying that sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, well that’s a lie…. I would rather have broken bones than be this broken inside; the words I’ve been called have killed me inside and sometimes I fear there’s nothing left to save.

The demands I used to fear are now part of me and my twisted life. It’s not easy writing about all of this because for the longest time I have kept everything hidden, but I realize that it’s better to get everything out there than to keep everything locked up. I’ve always been the type of person to try and help others and ignore myself because that was the only thing keeping me going. I saw no future and I lived everyday not caring if I died or what happened. I did not fear death I welcomed it. I think to myself how I got to where I am today, why I feel this way and what I did to deserve most of this. No one really ever deserves most of the things that happen to them but sometimes we can help what happens. There have been many chances for me to be better but the lack of courage and hope brought me down worse.

Lately I have been trying to break out of my comfort zone, I’m tired of feeling and being alone. I believe that when we lose courage and hope we need someone there to help us, but not everyone can help. I recently had courage to break up with my ex, with him I was different and felt like I was falling deeper into the darkness. Some people just are not meant for each other, one person might bring out the best in them but the other may bring out the worst. No one will ever understand my actions more than me and I should not have to explain myself to everyone. I am finally deciding to do things for myself and be me and doing this is using a lot of courage.

 I have been being more courageous, doing things I usually don’t do and trusting in others. I have been hurt so much by others it terrifies me to put all my trust into two people. Although I feel like I can trust them, the side of me that has learned to keep herself locked up and away from people, tries to pulls me in the dark once again. Some people may not believe that courage is being used when you put trust in others but for me it’s a big thing. My best friend and my boyfriend have given me hope that maybe one day I will be able to trust people again.  Maybe just maybe I believe that there is hope in today’s society and that there is hope for me. My boyfriend has helped me relax and have fun, he has been helping me do things and helping me get out of the shadows. He helps me build up courage to do things I fear and usually would not do. I have people issues and freak out and get shy around people I don’t know but he has been trying to help me become more social again. My best friend Catherine is someone I trust a lot, I tell her everything and we may have only been friends for three years but that does not change how amazing she is. No matter what she will always be the one friend I will never let go of. She has helped me out a lot in the last couple of years, she has given me hope and courage to stand up for myself and others.

I understand people see courage as fire fighters and stuff but for me courage is something you can lose and gain back; it is when you do something you are terrified of or something little that means a lot to you. People may have brought me down and ruined parts of me but we need those who care to help us and I have quite a bit of people that have helped me out or have tried to and I’m grateful for their help. Otherwise I would not be here today still fighting and having hope in myself. I honestly believe people are a big part of others having courage and hope.

 
- http://www.ted.com/talks/ash_beckham_we_re_all_hiding_something_let_s_find_the_courage_to_open_up

“In this touching talk, Ash Beckham offers a fresh approach to empathy and openness. It starts with understanding that everyone, at some point in their life, has experienced hardship. The only way out, says Beckham, is to open the door and step out of your closet.” Everyone uses courage in different ways and takes time to use courage, whether it’s coming out of the closet for being gay or telling someone you love them. Sometimes talking to someone about it can help you have more courage to do so. We need to speak up and have courage to do the things that make us happy. Having someone helps us speak up and have courage and hope that we will belong.
 - http://www.ted.com/talks/clint_smith_the_danger_of_silence

"We spend so much time listening to the things people are saying that we rarely pay attention to the things they don't," says poet and teacher Clint Smith. A short, powerful piece from the heart, about finding the courage to speak up against ignorance and injustice.”
 
- http://www.ted.com/talks/shane_koyczan_to_this_day_for_the_bullied_and_beautiful
This video has helped me in the past year, the things he says helps you realize things. I can relate to the things he says. He talks about standing up for yourself and about bullies. We need to have courage to believe there wrong and to keep ourselves going. We need to have the hope that we are better than what others say.