You ask what is
courage and hope, to me courage and hope is a burning flame to keeps you going.
It’s a flame inside your soul that screams for those flames to keep burning, yet that flame can easily be extinguished through someone calling you stupid or
ugly. To me that flame has brought me the only hope in the world. It’s the
reason I wake up in the morning to say thank you for being alive. Today I fight
for my hope because I live behind the tears of a clown. Now you’re probably
asking why I say that. It’s very ironic because all clowns are happy or scary,
yet you never see a clown cry. Yet I am a clown that hides all my pain behind a
fake smile.
I was born in 97
an unwanted kid and not even my own family accepted me. My 22 year old sister
past away in a car accident yet I never knew her. At the age of 1 I got the
news that my dad had passed away as well. Sadly I didn’t know my dad because my
dad left me for a new wife and to have different kids. I grew up not knowing my dad
and not having a dad there for me. My
family is Blackfoot; sadly I don’t look native at all. The reason why is
because I was born with throwback genes. These genes come from my dad’s side,
these are his parents. This is why I am so white, yet my brothers and sister
never knew that. My brothers and sister always thought I was adopted or a
complete mistake, and ever since I was little I felt that. How would you feel
if your own parents looked as you as a mistake, your own blood brothers and
sisters looking at you as you were adopted or mistake? How would you feel if
the people that should love you most make you feel unwanted
and unloved? My brothers showed me that they did not love me because they beat
me up. Some days my brothers would put me in the hospital and as I went out the
door my brothers would say I hope he doesn’t survive. I was beaten so bad that my brothers not showing love was almost a good day, so just
imagine what a bad day would be? School would be the same, I was unaccepted and
bullied. I really had no friends and I felt lonely. I hid in my room with my
bed and dresser against the door so my brothers wouldn’t hurt me.
I created an imaginary friend who would be
there for me when I was sad or lonely. As weird as this seemed why any kid
would create an imaginary friend? I asked myself the same thing, but just
imagine being lonely in the world and having no one for you to be able to lean
on. Soon as I got older my conscience kicked in. That also was a huge thing that
made me feel unaccepted, telling me that no one loves me and I should kill
myself. Many times I tried putting a knife to my neck with the intention of cutting it. I
was called everything in the book: stupid, homosexual, psychopath, and some words
that should never ever be said. Well, where is my courage and hope in this
story? The funny part is I never had that, all I had was a soul filled
with a million soul’s hatred in it.
I had a dark life, but finally
in 2007 my life changed a tiny bit;I moved away from my family and into a new
foster home, this was the start of grade 7. For an entire year I moved 6 times
leaving most of my personal belongings behind. I moved so fast I really had no
time to grab my stuff because often I was just kicked out. By the summer of grade 8
I found my last and final home. “The Rosentreters.” These people were the most
caring people to take on a kid with a complete mental illness, unable to be saved. I gave these
parents hell for the first 4 months knowing I would be moving one day. One day
the father said, “We know you want to leave; we know you don’t want us or want
to be here.” He said, “You make your choice you either can go to your room or
take the stuff you want and walk out that door.” I chose to walk out that door
grabbing my blanket and food; I walked a good 4 blocks before my body would not
let me walk anymore. I felt something in my soul pushing all the darkness away
and filling it with light.
That was the
hope and courage that began to burn deep in my soul, pushing all the
darkness in to the very abyss of my soul. I turned around and walked
back, sat in my room and felt emotions I had never felt before: caring, love, joy
and a bit of happiness. My foster father came back in my room and sat down with me, he
saw me cry for the very first time to the pain of sadness. He told me you can
push us away all you want, you can hate us and not love us, but we will love
you no matter what and fight for you to succeed. This was the very first time I
ever felt acceptance and found someone who truly cares and loves me. Now I almost wasn't able to tell you this story
because when I was 7 years old I was home alone I had several pills in an attempt to overdose myself to end the pain. I took one pill
at a time and by the forth pill I felt something, and no it wasn’t me passing
gas or me having a heart attack. But I felt the same thing I felt on this day.
Instead of the flame it was a spark, a spark telling me not to do this. A spark
of hope that was telling me those things would soon get better. The forth pill
would have overdosed me as I was a small, young kid. Slowly losing consciousness
I dreamt of a better world.
I woke up in the hospital overhearing the
doctors saying that thing was the 6th time I tried to commit suicide
in 3 months. That’s a lot of times isn’t it? Just imagine how many I would
have my entire life. This was the first time I felt that I wouldn’t end my life
in pure sadness and I felt that if I died that it would be out of pure love and caring.
I figured out my
family problem, but what about my school problems and bullies? That wasn’t too
hard to figure out. I went up to the mirror next day and I smiled, I put on the
biggest fake smile that anyone could. I told myself that people can call you names,
people can beat you up but this smile will never leave you. People would call
me stupid and I would laugh as if it were a joke and soon the hurtful comments weren’t
hurtful anymore and people didn’t understand why I didn’t coward away.
People looked at me in confusion as I took their hurtful comments and made a
joke that wasn’t there. People saw this and they didn’t hurt me but made
friends with me and defended me. And every bully that came towards me I knocked
down and they just kept falling. I soon learned that my soul would not break as
long as I smiled; that flame would keep burning as soon as I smiled. This was
the start of something new. I may not be a normal kid, but I just say screw it,
different is better. I know I’m annoying, crazy, weird and just plain stupid, but my name is Kadon and Kadon is annoying, crazy and weird and stupid. I’m the
best at it because I’m just too amazing to be normal, so whenever someone calls
you different because they think you’re fat, ugly or stupid, make them know that different
is better because there’s only one you and you are the best at it. I still hide
all my pain behind my fake smile but I only feel one emotion now and that’s
happiness and that’s all I will feel until the day I die.
The question I
always ask myself is where I want to be in 2 years; I don’t say five or I don’t
say 10 cause I don’t like to get ahead of myself. Every morning I wake up with
a smile on my face, but am I really happy? Is life even worth fighting for?
These questions always push me to the limit to see if I’m worthy. I only dream
of a better world but dreams never come true I just have to go out there and do
it myself.
-Kadon Johnson
No comments:
Post a Comment