When your background is a combination of physical, mental, and sexual abused, and you have been so
tarnished and used you start to feel as if you shouldn’t have wings and even
that you don’t deserve your wings. You start to feel that you born with these demented,
torn wings that just don’t want to work. To live a life of depression,
sadness, and gilt so bad that you start
cutting when you're in grade 7 and don’t stop till grad 9, you start to feel you
are the only one with fucked up wings because no one notices. To feel as if no one wants you in their life, to feel as if your useless. This was my life. Grade 10 came and I stopped going to school for most of the year and didn’t talk to
anyone; I had no friends to talk to. For what ever reason I passed that year
when I should have failed. Why did I pass? These are a few of the reasons I
couldn’t see a future, a way out, or a new beginning for my life. My wings were
grabbed and torn part piece by piece until nothing was left of then. My wings were now bent, twisted, ripped, scarred, and drenched in a thick black tar
that wouldn't come off my one beautiful feathers that were easy to use and take
for granted. My wings so drenched in the rusty truth of the past.
Then it changed. My parents
noticed I was depressed, I felt
relieved, my wings started to straighten. I stopped cutting and the rips in my
poor drooping wings started to heal. I got up the courage to tell my parents
about the sexual and mental abuse and how it had been hurting me for so long.
My wings started to untwist. I got help with the physical that had started so long
ago that just wouldn’t go away by itself. My wings started shedding to get the black
thick tar off. I finally realized I was smart, and funny in my own little way. I started
feeling happy again and started going back to school my wings were know big and
white not demented anymore but prideful. I felt as if my wings were bigger than
everyone else’s. I use to think that I wouldn’t go anywhere in life that I
didn’t deserve to go far in life, but now I know what I want, and I know where I’m
going in life. When I'm out of school I’m going to get my health care aid and
slowly work up from there. After I get my health care aid I’ll go traveling the
world then I’m going to get my LPN and upgrade from there to become a nurse. After I
get my nurses I’m going to work up to lab tech and then hopefully I’ll even get
up to getting my doctorate. My life has been made up of steps. From the day I was
born it has been taking one step at a time and it is crucial for me to keep my wings and stop being
scared to fly to the top of my life, to my full potential. My future is my
safety net, it’s the only thing holding me to life. My goals are simple and beautiful. I am scared for what comes next, and scared to find out what other trials are going to happen to make me fall over and over again. The only difference is that I have my wings
and I’m not going to lose my wings ever gain.
-By Kerinda Paxman
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