Faded

“Vulnerability is the quality of being easily hurt or attacked.”

Vulnerability is like anxiety. Anxiety consumes you, it tells you that you can’t handle anything, that you're not worth anything, and it steals your self-control. It’s like being locked in a tomb, and there are no windows and no light other than a small candle’s flame, and then like a quiet whisper, the only thing keeping you sane is suddenly snuffed out, the flame is gone. Once everything fades into the restless inky blackness, the floor gives way beneath you, and suddenly all you have left is terror, dread, and a seemingly endless freefall to an agonizing, terrifying death. Yet sometimes, it seems to take over very slowly, dread inching its way into your very soul and there is no way to stop it, just as slowly, just as suddenly, reality comes crashing back, drifting back. Some days it doesn’t come back for a long time, yet other days it seems like only seconds have passed by. It never really feels like reality at first, but you just have to smile anyways, and hide the terror and the endless dread and never let anyone know about the constant lack of control and vulnerability that tortures you day and night. Don’t let them know how you always wonder what will set you off, or what they would do or think if they truly understood every second of your personal hell of panic and terror as you slowly fade away. That’s fine, it’s all fine, just don’t let anyone in ever, because feeling vulnerable is terrifying, and vulnerability is like anxiety. There is a great need for courage, and an everlasting search for hope within anxiety. But there is often little hope to find, it is buried deep into the depths, the endless abyss, and digging for it doesn’t always seem worth it, and the deeper you go the harder it is to come back and the harder it becomes to go on, reality starts to become lost and faded, it takes a lot of courage. Courage is difficult and painful and it requires vulnerability, but in the end it's a better option than death, which I know many people chose, but death is not the answer either. It's never the answer, because it doesn’t solve the problem, it just steals hope away forever, it’s just a more permanent way to run, and why run? Why fade away forever after fighting for so long? Even if you become vulnerable, you can overcome it, face it head on and stop the frantic, exhausting chase once and for all. It’s hard. It’s so hard, trust me I know, and it will always be hard. It always seems to sneak up on you when you least expect it or when you think you’ve made progress, like a ghost that haunts you, possibly forever, but keep fighting, that is what makes courage so important, that is why hope is continuously searched for, because being human is finding courage and reaching for hope, and fighting all the way to the end. Be human, have courage, reach for hope, and when you catch it don’t ever let go, don’t fade away, and always remember to fight.

https://youtu.be/dLdIx0epx3U
This song is meant to be listened to while you read my blog.  Give it a try and you will get the feeling of my written piece.

-By Jadyn Wheeler