Am I the MONSTER?

 
Monsters, are they just imaginary or is it possible for these creatures to be real? What if they are real and they are just hiding inside of you?

As a child my imagination said that monsters are real. Whatever I saw was not just a shadow. There was a big, bloody, creature with a thousand sharp teeth hiding under my bed, someone looking at me while I was sleeping, someone grabbing my feet, someone standing over me. All of this, was running through my head when I was a kid. It is weird, right? But luckily, when I was a child when I would shout and cry in fear my grandparents were there for me to calm me down, make sure that I would be alright, and let me know that no one would harm me. When I was a child, I thought that monsters were just in my head, but sadly they are not just imaginations. There was a point in my life when I realized that monsters are not just big bloody creatures with a thousand teeth, but they can be a person, a situation, an emotion, a reality.

As I’ve grown older I realize that the monsters that bug me now are just my emotions that take control over me. Until now, I never thought I could do something so stupid that I would regret it for the rest of my life.  I became a monster because I let my mom feel that she was not enough for me; I became a monster for making her cry and feel like a bad mother. I became monster for letting my insecurity control me so much that I couldn’t see my own worth in this world. I became monster so that even my relationship with my brother and sister were affected.  I became a monster for hiding my true self and let this monster win in my body, my mind and my heart. And now I do not know who I am.

I still find it hard to believe that this monster that I am scared of could be myself.  As Stephen King says in one of his quotes: “sometime they win”, but in real life I realized that I should not let them win, and I need to fight back to see the real me, and to seek real happiness. It is not easy to fight back against this monster inside me, especially when no one is going to help me because it is inside which means I am the only one capable to fight it.  It takes courage and the hope that I can conquer my mind, my body and my heart again. Courage and hope? Did I say that?  They are big words for me. Well, ironically, I don’t apply these things in my life, especially the word “courage”. Can I just say that I have only hope? I am hoping that when the time comes that I find the courage and combine these two words together and it is not too late for me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjDV543xuzc

This link is a song called “Nightmare” by natewantstobattle. This really gets my attention. My interpretation of the song is that they also have the monster inside of them and this monster conquers their soul and now they see them selves being trapped by the monster that inside of them. This reminds me of myself, especially the line: “It’s only a nightmare and soon we’ll be set free” because I am hoping too that this is just a nightmare and soon I’ll be free.

-By ZS