Not Caring About Not Caring

When it comes to my life, while it might be there, I don’t consciously think about courage and hope. When it comes to them, I really am a 50-50, on the fence type of mind set. It’s so much in the middle; I don’t really know how to explain it very well. In some cases I am all the way “I don’t want people to think bad things about me, or think I’m weird.” But at the same time, I could turn around in another setting, and truly think the exact opposite. It really is just a random mix of the two. And it’s not that I will care about what people think for one thing, and not care for another. It switches between caring and not caring what people think no matter what scenario it’s in. Believe it or not, I myself am not too sure about it, let alone know what to think about it. What I find to be even more confusing about the whole thing is when I hang out with good friends. When I’m with some of my closest friends, almost all social moral goes out the window. Of course I still act “refined” but I truly stop caring what other people will think of me in all ways. I can’t really explain it, but I just push past every fear of what other people think. I’d like to say the friends “give me the courage to be myself”, but I know that’s not that case, because when I’m not with friends, (most of the time) I really do care what others think. Both cases are true and it’s not a case of one is “hiding” the other. I really can’t think of how to explain it. I guess it’s just some “weird” mind set of both courage and fear mixed together. Of course other than when it comes to trying to explain it, I myself really don’t find anything wrong with thinking this way. Though I somewhat would like to change some of the cases where I do care what others think. Some of the things are just little trivial things I shouldn’t care about, but I just can’t push past.

-By Garrett Van Lent