There was a time in my life when I was alone. My parents
were recently divorced and I had a boyfriend who didn’t care about me. He liked me
because I was pretty, thin and vulnerable. I had a very low self-esteem and he took
advantage of me, in so many different ways. At first he treated me amazing,
he made me feel pretty and smart, and I felt like I was on the top of the world.
I felt good. The depression that had once consumed me left and I thought I
was better. The feeling lasted for a little less than a month and then it all came
back. Slowly, the darkness took over again. I wanted to be alone all the time,
it made me feel safe. When I closed myself off he became very aggressive. He
didn’t understand what I was going through. He became verbally and mentally
abusive. I blamed myself for a very long time. I know now, that it was the
depression talking. I let it slide for a long time; I pretended everything was
okay. When I did have the support from my friends, and I tried to break it off,
he told me he would kill himself. I couldn’t be responsible for someone’s death.
I still cared about his well being and that slowly became my biggest worry. I
owed him for helping me. I didn’t realize that what we had was unhealthy. I had
fallen so deep into my depression that I gave up everything; my art, my friends, and
my relationship were holding on by a thread. I had lost myself.
In July 2012, I tried to end my life. I honestly thought I
had no other choice. Life was so overwhelming. I spent two weeks in the
pediatric ward at the Lethbridge Hospital, and I was on suicide watch for most
of it -Two full week without any communication from the outside world, it was
rough. I did learn a lot about myself though. I found out that I deserved better.
I let people walk all over me, because I longed to be accepted. I found out
that I am diamond and I wouldn’t, couldn’t settle for anyone who treated me
like I was anything less. Because of my experiences, I’ve found someone who
helped me through my depression, and will stand next to me tall and proud. I
found the courage in myself to keep moving forward.
-By Abigail Schaaf
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